Emotional abuse might not leave visible scars, but it's just as harmful as physical abuse is. Being with someone who hurts and berates you can destroy your confidence, making you feel that you don't deserve any better. If your partner makes you feel fearful, worthless and alone, getting out of the relationship is possible, but it will seem difficult -- and repairing your self-esteem afterward can take years.
Consider Who's in Control
Someone who is emotionally abusing his partner will often take her power away, bit by bit, so she has to rely on him. An abuser will often target the victim's finances in particular, since it's a means of keeping you from leaving. If you're not allowed to have your own credit card and have to ask him for money, for instance, or if he checks your bank account and receipts all the time, your partner may be abusive. An abuser might also hold all the keys to the house and cars so you can't have access without permission, or might make all the decisions about what movies you see, what you eat for dinner and when you're allowed to leave the house. A friend in an abusive relationship might put off making plans or say she needs to check with her partner before committing.
Consider Your Support System
An emotional abuser will often try to cut his partner off from her existing support system so she'll only have him. Think about the social life you had before you met your partner and how it compares to your current life. If you've lost touch with family and friends, and if he's tried to prevent you from spending time with people he considers romantic or time rivals, these are warning signs. An abuser might try to cut you off from people by preventing you from holding a job or joining group activities, and may even move you away to distance you from loved ones. A friend who's being abused will begin to pull away, not returning your phone calls or getting angry when you criticize her partner.
Consider His Language
Paying attention to your partner's language will be one of the easiest ways to tell if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. An abuser will call his partner names, insult and belittle her appearance and ideas and order her around. Threats are a common part of an emotionally abusive relationship. Your partner may make threats as broad as "I'm going to kill you" or as small as "I'm going to leave you if you don't stop talking to him." He might also accuse you of lying and make you think you're crazy. A person who's being abused may put herself down and seem to lack self-confidence.
Consider How You Feel
You're in an abusive relationship if it is one in which you feel scared, anxious and bad about yourself. If you wonder if you're being abused, trust your gut. If your partner makes you feel humiliated and embarrassed, if you feel constantly on edge, or if the sound of him coming into the house makes your stomach clench, you're not in a healthy relationship. You should feel happy and proud of yourself and your partner, not ashamed of yourself and scared of him. Contact a social worker for help, or help your friend to do so if you suspect she's being abused. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE; the staff not only can offer counseling but will connect you to other services in your area.
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