How to communicate feelings in a relationship

One of the great challenges of speaking to our mates about our feelings is that fear prevents us from expressing them. We worry about how they might respond, we don't want to appear weak or we fear the consequences, and indeed, when confronted, our partners might very well refuse to listen! In the meantime, unacknowledged feelings build and the problem remains unresolved. Before things fall apart, respectfully address the issue with your partner by clarifying your feelings and avoiding fingerpointing.

Instructions

The 'I feel' statement: Use this straightforward method to prevent a blowup of feelings and to keep your partner from feeling attacked.

Two elements here are: a) the behavior in question, and b) your feelings.

Examples of this may be:

"I feel left out when you spend so much time with your friends."

"When you talked to her, I felt annoyed."

"I feel like you don't love me because you are not as romantic as you used to be."

The "I message": In more complex situations, this method grapples with difficult feelings and requires greater sensitivity. It is also helpful when you want to change your partner's behavior. An "I message" is a message centering on the self, as opposed to a "You message," which focuses on the other person.

There are four aspects of the "I message" (in any order):

1) the behavior (as in Step 1)

2) the results/consequences of the behavior, which you are reacting to

3) your feelings (as in Step 1)

4) what you would like your partner to do (optional)

Examples of this are:

"When you talk to me like that I feel disrespected and hurt. I would prefer that you speak with more courtesy, since I don't feel like talking to you otherwise."

"I feel frustrated and concerned every time you come home late since there's a lot to do around the house and I don't know where you are and in the meantime I end up doing most of the chores. I would like you to be back earlier and help more."

Be subjective. Much like the "I message," when conveying feelings, stick to your side of the story. Only you know how you feel, and only you can define it (specifically). Your partner cannot controvert your personal experience. What's more, he will see that you are not accusing him and will be more receptive to your grievances.

Acknowledge the positive implicit in the argument.

Sure you might be upset with your partner, but this one issue is not the end-all be-all of your relationship. You also love your partner, and are concerned and upset because you care about him or her. When you convey this love and appreciation alongside your other feelings, not only do you contextualize the message, but your partner can better empathize with your point of view.

Know when to seek a therapist.

Some feelings and problems in a relationship cannot be hashed out. Your partner cannot act as your therapist. This is not his or her responsibility, and by taking the role of a therapist, he or she could be damaging your relationship. If you are having difficulties that cannot be addressed through the above techniques, seek professional guidance.

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