How to Discuss Politics With Your Lover

I once dated a man whose political views were vastly different from my own. We could not discuss elections, taxes, healthcare, foreign policy, domestic policy--anything really--without turning ourselves and each other into yelling, red-faced ogres. It wasn't pretty. While I cannot say that our political differences were the reason for our eventual breakup, I can say that the way in which we addressed these differences certainly poisoned our love. In our discussions we were stubborn, argumentative, dismissive and downright mean. That relationship taught me a lot about how not to talk about politics with a loved one. May you learn from my mistakes and follow these tips so that your closest relationship survives after the election.

Instructions

Acknowledge that you do not know everything. If you go into a discussion with your beliefs and opinions cemented, the discussion is bound to go nowhere. You must be aware of your own limitations and blind spots if you hope to have a discussion in which you and your partner truly teach and learn from one another.

Make your relationship the model for how all political discourse should be conducted. While mudslinging may be standard practice for the majority of today's candidates, political strategists and pundits, this type of communication is unproductive and ultimately keeps everyone from participating in thoughtful discussions about what our communities, our country and our world truly need. Policy debate needn't be mean-spirited and disagreeing parties needn't insult the character of their counterparts. When talking to your lover about politics, imagine you're being filmed for the world to see. Conduct your discussions in a way that would make even the most tactful diplomat proud.

Get clear about why you are engaging a political discussion in the first place. Do you want to learn from your partner? Are you sincerely interested in working through the issues on the table? Or are you using politics as a medium to play out your relationship power struggle? Political discussion is useful only when it productively moves your energy forward; it's useless if your main goal is to prove yourself right and make your partner wrong. If you're arguing simply for the sake of arguing, you may want to drop it and put your energy toward something that will bring you closer like studying Tantra or taking dance lessons or cooking dinner.

Agree to agree. It is commonly said that you must "agree to disagree" when working toward common ground with somebody who opposes your opinion. This might be OK if the person with the differing opinion is a neighbor, a coworker or even a friend. If it's your lover, however, you cannot allow disagreement to be the only thing on which you agree. Instead you must strive for deep, authentic, resonating agreement. I once heard an interview with a married couple of different religions--she was Baptist, he was Jewish. When the host asked the couple how they reconciled their different faiths, the husband said, "We do not differ in our faith, because we both have faith--profound, enlivening faith." The wife agreed wholeheartedly. The couple did not focus on the secular differences of their individual religions, rather they looked to the divine truths that united their souls. This type of ultimate agreement is where we must reside with our partners.

Think before you respond. Take time to contemplate your partner's point of view instead of reacting in the heat of the moment. Reactions keep you stuck in empty patterns of thought; responses move you to higher levels of consciousness.

Speak your genuine opinion. Do not throw out sound bites that you heard while watching "The Daily Show" or flipping past "FOX News." If you are going to state your opinion, it is best that that opinion is spoken in statements formed by you, in your own mind, after some thought and study.

Get to the root of your relationship problems. Differing political viewpoints needn't wreck your relationship, but if they are a symbol of vastly different approaches to life, you may need to delve deeper. As for the man I mentioned in my intro, our disagreements were not so much about politics as they were about our fundamental beliefs, values and visions. It would have been more productive had we gone straight to the root of the matter instead of using political battles to deal with our fundamental differences. Looking back I see that this was a passive-aggressive way of dealing with issues that we were either too scared or too unaware to tackle head-on.

Remember, every relationship has disagreements. It is not the mere existence of differences between you and your partner that will make or break your relationship, rather it is the way you treat these differences that will decide whether your love will thrive or die.

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