What Are the Dangers of Expressing Conflict Indirectly?

Some people are so uncomfortable with conflict that they go to extremes to avoid having to deal with it. False beliefs, such as addressing conflict directly is unattractive, ineffective or "not nice," contribute to avoidance. Unrealistic ideas that someone who cares about you "should just know" your needs without you having to directly express them further contribute to the problem. Developing a lifestyle where conflict is not openly addressed and resolved can be dangerous, both physically and mentally.

Depression

One of the consequences of indirectly expression conflict can be depression.

When conflict is indirectly expressed, issues often remain unresolved. Anger builds as negative feelings accumulate. If the false beliefs that lead a person to indirectly express conflict are not resolved, feelings of low-self esteem develop. Over time, the person may come to believe that their situation is hopeless and helpless. The long-term effects of depression can lead to lack of enjoyment of life's activities, failure to set goals and stagnation. The physical effects of this high stress lifestyle can include high blood pressure, insomnia, ulcers and, ultimately, a shorter lifespan.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive feelings include pretending to be happy when you are really angry.

People who avoid direct conflict tend to employ indirect passive-aggressive styles of coping. These behaviors may include: "forgetting", sabotage, keeping secrets and revenge tactics. Passive-aggressive behaviors corrode a love relationship and, instead of growing closer, your partner may pull away, have affairs, and ultimately end the relationship. The passive-aggressive behavior results in a self-fulfilling prophecy; the relationship dissolves and feelings of worthlessness, depression, and low-self esteem are strengthened. If new skills are not learned, the cycle repeats.

Escape Behaviors

Escape behaviors include drinking or drug use.

People who avoid conflict are not getting basic needs met. Eventually, they withdraw, seeking fulfillment of their needs elsewhere. Escapist behaviors as a primary coping style tend to make conflicts worse. Such behaviors can include having extramarital affairs, drinking or drug use, excessive fantasy, overeating or watching television all day long.

What to Do

Practice loving behaviors toward yourself and challenge false beliefs.

Learn new coping styles. Challenge old, false beliefs that make you think avoiding conflict and anger is acceptable. Try new behaviors slowly. For example, set a goal of once a day to directly express feelings. Engage in loving behaviors toward yourself, such as moderate exercise, eating a healthy diet and forgiving yourself. Once you become more loving to yourself, you will be more confident to directly express conflict to others.

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