How to Heal After a Relationship with a Narcissist

Breaking up with a narcissist can be difficult, and the healing process is often long. The manipulative, attention-seeking behavior of a narcissist takes its toll on the significant other by depleting a person's energy and self-esteem. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated sense of self-importance and little or no regard for the needs of others. A good support system can help you reclaim your self-esteem and realize that there is life after the narcissist.

According to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, relationships are largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation for the narcissist. Realize that you must move on, even if you still have feelings for your ex. The narcissistic ex may try to manipulate you into coming back. She may try to blame the relationship problems on you to make you feel guilty. If she does accept responsibility for the failed union, she will promise to change. Stand your ground and don't allow her to manipulate you. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, a clinical psychologist and licensed marriage family therapist, states that spouses often wait decades before ending the relationship because they keep thinking the narcissist will change. "The narcissistic personality structure is rigid like steel and is very unlikely to change," she says.

A narcissist doesn't like to take no for an answer. If your ex is extremely clingy or vindictive, she may stalk or harass you after ending the relationship. She may also tell you that she wants to be your friend so she can remain a part of your life. If you are going to heal completely, you need to cut the ties and move forward with your life. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited" says, "To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on."

If you have a child with the ex, it will not be possible to remove yourself entirely from the situation. However, you can be a parent to your child without being a victim of the narcissistic ex-partner. Limit contact with the ex and deal with her only when it pertains to the child. Try to avoid being alone with the narcissistic ex when picking up or dropping off the children. Take a friend or relative along as a supportive mediator. Do not allow the narcissist to use your child as a manipulative tool to control you. Seek legal assistance regarding custody and/or visitation rights.

A relationship with a narcissistic person can undermine your confidence and leave you emotionally traumatized. Accept the fact that your ex is ill and needs treatment. You do not need to feel guilty for leaving. Being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder is toxic to the healthy individual. Value your own independence and know that you are a person worthy of love in a healthy relationship.

Forgiveness is part of the healing process. If you have feelings of anger toward your ex, realize that narcissism is an illness. It is unfortunate that most narcissists do not seek diagnosis and treatment. However, by leaving, you have made the first and most important step to recovery. Author Sam Vaknin says, "Forgiveness does more for the forgiver than the forgiven." He also reminds us that human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy. Forgive yourself also. You may have feelings of guilt for leaving the relationship or misgivings about not leaving sooner. Let go of whatever you are feeling and move forward with confidence, knowing that each day you are healing more and more.

Surround yourself with a positive support system. Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, says that surrounding yourself with loyal friends can provide an environment of emotional safety and security. Spend time with friends and family members who will encourage and support you during the healing process. Talk to them and let them know how you feel. Just having someone to listen is very beneficial. It is also helpful to seek professional assistance to overcome the wounds of a traumatic relationship. A counselor can help you to understand and deal with your feelings in a constructive manner.

Read information on narcissism and other personality disorders to educate yourself. Learning about these disorders can help you understand your ex, the past relationship and your own feelings about them. Recognizing the signs of destructive personality disorders such as narcissism can help you avoid toxic relationships.

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