How to Ruin a First Date

Gunshy about commitment? Love the ladies but prefer not to settle down just yet? Fear not. With a little practice you can learn how to ruin a first date and your options for a long-term relationship will be slim to none.

Instructions

Arrive late. Whether you're meeting her at a restaurant or picking her up at her place, nothing says, "I don't care," like not showing up on time.

Dress like you were 10 minutes late for a college exam. Throw that smelly old Nirvana T-shirt on. Don't shower or shave, and better yet, stay up until 5:00 a.m. the day of to ensure red, puffy eyes and the cranky demeanor of a petulant child.

Leave your wallet at home and be forever labeled cheap. At the culmination of the meal, if it gets that far, reach into your pants pocket and come up empty--which is fitting, because your house is going to empty be when you get there alone.

Treat the wait staff like you just peeled them from the bottom of your shoe. This is a great example of how you will treat her later in the relationship. Don't forget, tips are for suckers, so don't leave one.

Call or text message your friends-or better yet, your ex-girlfriend during the date. Don't bother leaving the table. Let her know just how unimportant she is even before she gets to know you.

Talk like an ignoramus. Let racist, sexist or bathroom jokes fly as though they were going out of style, and be sure that people at other tables can hear them too.

Build Devil's Tower out of mashed potatoes, but don't order mashed potatoes. Make sure that you use someone else's side dish to do this. After you are done, exclaim, with great relish, "Ah, it was nothing."

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