How to Recognize and Handle Emotional Blackmail

Over the last few decades, the term "emotional blackmail" has come to describe the subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which one person uses emotional needs to establish control over another. These forms of manipulation can be highly successful because of the ways in which they use the target's emotions against him. Dealing with emotional blackmail means learning to recognize these strategies and develop methods of resisting them.

Susan Forward, a psychotherapist and co-author of the book "Emotional Blackmail," popularized the term in the 1990s. According to Forward, emotional blackmail occurs when one person -- the blackmailer -- uses another person's emotions to manipulate him into doing what the blackmailer wants. Because emotional blackmail requires a good understanding of the target's emotional states, it is common in close relationships such as between parents and children or between romantic partners. Emotional blackmail is not a sincere response to another person's emotional state, but rather a strategic attempt to use that state to produce a desired outcome.

Forward and co-author Donna Frazier identify four primary types of emotional blackmail. Punishers use emotional bullying to crack down on any attempt to do something the punisher doesn't want, while tantalizers withhold approval and love until they get what they want. Self-punishers use their own pain to manipulate others, displaying distress to elicit sympathy and agreement. Sufferers threaten others with their own unhappiness, making their targets take responsibility for the sufferers' negative reaction to the targets' choices.

Emotional blackmail can be powerfully effective because of the way in which it mimics normal behavior. Most people are unhappy when they don't get what they want; most people get upset over small things from time to time. What makes emotional blackmail different from normal anger or unhappiness is its consistent, one-sided nature. Emotional blackmailers lack the empathy for others that they expect others to show for them, and their emotional behavior is demand-oriented -- they stop their negative behavior as soon as they get what they want. Clear threats and demands are common aspects of emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail takes advantage of impulses most people share. Most people are willing to go along with others to avoid conflict, to extend special treatment to people who are upset and to be considerate of the feelings of others. Dealing with emotional blackmail involves identifying the behaviors that another person uses to blackmail and refusing to give in to them. This can involve reinforcing personal boundaries or removing the target from the situation. Methods such as personal "power statements" or other means of building self-confidence can help individuals learn to stand up to emotional blackmail.

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