How to Recover From Transference Relationships

When you have a bad experience in one relationship, it is not uncommon to wonder if it could happen again in the next relationship. However, if you treat the person in your next relationship as if she is guilty of doing the things that your former partner did, this is a transference relationship. Transference is the phenomenon of inappropriately projecting your prior experiences onto the person with whom you are currently in a relationship. If you find yourself unfairly accusing your current mate of things that happened in your past, you must find ways to dissolve the transference, or it could mean the end of your relationship.

Instructions

Pay attention to your emotions and reactions to your partner. If he does something that resembles a person from your past, such as your ex-husband or your father, take note of how that action makes you feel, but pause before you react.

Communicate with your mate. Rather than giving her the silent treatment -- or any treatment -- for no reason at all, talk to her about how you feel. You can point out that one of her actions reminded you of your ex, your sister or your mom, and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Being honest is an effective way to recover from the transference.

See the new person in your life as a clean slate. Your mate is not a continuation of someone from your past but is a whole new person with different feelings, habits, emotions and values. Even if your current partner resembles someone else in terms of his looks, remind yourself on a regular basis that they are two separate people.

Identify when you are participating in transference. This is challenging to do, because many times people do not realize that they are doing it. Transference becomes similar to a programmed, automated response, so this part might take a lot of work to be able to identify when it occurs.

Understand how it makes the other person feel when you project unrelated feelings and emotions onto her. If you want to make your current partner happy and have a healthy, positive relationship, it is important for you to control and manage your transference.

Accept the responsibility of changing your behavior patterns. It is up to you -- not the other person -- to dissolve the transference and manage it successfully.

Seek professional help from a psychotherapist if you cannot get out from the transference relationship. A psychotherapist has the professional skills and knowledge to help you let go of your past so you can focus on the present.

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