How to Overcome Trust Issues in a Relationship

Any relationship--even a friendship--requires time to grow and trust to keep it going. If you care for each other and have had plenty of time together but find that your trust has become damaged, it may be time to talk. You know your relationship better than anyone, so apply this advice in a way that fits your situation.

Instructions

Before talking to anyone else, ask yourself some serious questions. Are the trust issues coming from you, your partner or the past? Generally, even when one person is clearly at fault, there are contributing factors from both sides--even if it's one person making a mistake and the other overreacting. This creates a spiral of blame, anger and mistrust. Alternately, is the issue a relationship from your past that is affecting your attitudes toward the current one?

Ask your closest friends and family for their opinions. Don't lead them with your theories; instead, be open to their interpretations.

Tell your partner during a calm conversation what you are thinking. Avoid phrases like "We need to talk," which rarely precede something good. Instead, say something like, "I feel like we're having some trust problems, and I want to work through them with you."

Give him or her ample time to think before meeting at a pre-arranged time so that you both walk into the conversation on a level playing field.

Select a calm and neutral atmosphere and approach the situation rationally. If necessary, apologize for surprising him or her with this situation, but stress that it's from a position of love (or of whatever stage your relationship is in).

Set ground rules for the conversation. For example, if things begin to get heated, take time to cool down before resuming. State that this is not about blame, but rather about getting things into the open to repair them. It's like an infected wound that will make you sick if you leave it untreated, but will heal if you air it out and remove the infection (however painful that process may be).

Calmly talk about your theories and agree to be open to each other's interpretations. Avoid statements that begin with "you" and opt instead for ones that begin with "I feel." It's not about right or wrong. It's about solving the problem, no matter whose fault it is.

Set goals. Think of small ways you can restore trust. Not something cheesy like Trust Falls--perhaps setting a deadline for painting the garage and meeting it.

Meet the goals you set, and follow up after a few weeks. See if things are improving. If they are, set new goals. Know that this is a process: You can't build trust overnight, but you can over time.

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