How to Break Up With People Without Hurting Their Feelings

Breaking up with someone without hurting his feelings can be challenging. If your partner still wants to be with you, there are steps you can take to lessen the blow. Remember that you want to make the breakup as painless as possible for his sake, not to assuage your guilt. Try to be genuine and gentle to hurt him as little as possible.

Instructions

Choose a location carefully. If you suspect your partner is going to be so upset that she may have trouble driving home, have the conversation at her place. This is also less humiliating for people than having a public breakup. Suggest a walk around the neighborhood, so both parties can minimize direct eye contact, which can trigger anger. Try not to break up at your partner's favorite spot for recreational activities so she does not have to face that memory every time she returns to that location.

Time the breakup considerately. Suddenly being alone for a holiday or a birthday can be difficult and overshadow the entire event. Choose a date that does not come right before any important events and when you know your partner will have some down-time in the days after to sort through everything he is feeling.

Blame no one. Margaret Paul, Ph.D., says that stating that you simply do not feel a connection with your partner any more is a statement of fact. If your partner is hurt, it is her choice and you cannot control how she feels about it. Rather than the classic "It's not you; it's me" approach, refrain from blaming anyone. Avoid making any judgments about yourself or your partner. Explain that there is nothing wrong with her, you just do not feel a strong enough connection on which to base a relationship. As long as you do not give her a laundry list of things you hate about her and keep it about the lack of a connection, you will have spared her feelings as much as possible.

Be clear in your intention. If you are sure about your decision to end the relationship, you should not leave your partner with any hope of reconciliation. Give your partner the chance to be upset for a while and then heal and move on, rather than cling the hope of a future with you. It may seem gentler to say "Maybe someday," but spare him the longing and make a clean break. If you do leave him with false hope, you may hurt him again later when you tell him that it is never going to work.

Keep the conversation short and to the point. The longer you drag it out, the more likely you are to say something unkind out of frustration. Let your partner know how you are feeling about the relationship and that it is over. Soften the blow slightly by sandwiching the breakup with compliments about how wonderful she is and that you're not the right person for her, but you hope she finds a new partner soon.

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